Dear Yvonne – A letter to my daughter

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Dear Yvonne, stillbirth baby

Today was meant to be your birthday. The day Daddy and I met you for the first time and held you. Today was the day we were meant to see your eyes and hair, your tiny feet and hands.

It wasn’t meant to be a day of sadness and pain like it is.

Oh my darling daughter, today was meant to be filled with excitement and joy as you came into this world and cried your first cry.

I had so many plans and hopes for you my sweet girl. I pictured you so many times.

You have an older sister you know. She only knew you as Squidgy in my belly but she would kiss you goodnight and hug you through my clothes. I have told her about you and as she grows I will tell her more and show her your pictures.

I know I never got to hear your voice, but I believe you got to hear mine and your Daddy’s as we talked to you and told you that we loved you. I know you heard my heart beat as you lay beside my heart growing for that short time.

I want you to know that I love you so so much even though you aren’t here with me. I am trying to understand why you had to leave so early and go to sleep at 21 weeks.

I cry for you so much and hold your bear. I remember you and treasure the small time your Daddy and I had with you after you were born.

I know that you were tired from fighting even inside me and that it was just too much for you my Darling.

That day in the hospital when you were born, far too early and so very very tiny. Your eyes were closed and you had already left us but I loved you even more as soon as I saw you.

You were perfect. Your feet and hands so delicate. Your face a smaller version of your sister.

Your Daddy was the first to hold you. I remember his eyes as he gazed at you and seeing the love and pain as he cradled you oh so gently.

Our hearts broke when the doctors told us that you had gone. Your tiny heart had stopped. And then when we saw you and held you they broke even more.

Today was meant to be your birthday but you aren’t here. It’s a day where I remember you. Remember the tears and the love.

I remember coming back to the hospital room after surgery. You were in your cot. Sleeping. Beautiful. I was so tired and sore but I sat up to look at you. You were lost in that cot. Your blanket placed over you and your head just laying there. You looked peaceful. Beautiful.

I sang to you. Do you remember?

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Yvonne Grace how loved you are

Loved by Mum and loved by Dad

So much love for you to have

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Yvonne Grace how loved you are

I sing the same song for your sister. It will always be the song I sing for you both. You are both my little stars. You are my heart.

I’m so thankful to have had time in the hospital with you. To have photos. To have held you.

Your Daddy was so strong for me those days. He held me and comforted me. He is an amazing man Yvonne. I know you would have adored him as much as he would have you. He would have taught you so many things. He loves hunting. He would have taught you to shoot. He would have played with you and cuddled you.

He would have held you when you were sad and laughed with you when you were happy.

I’m sorry you didn’t get to meet him and know him. I sorry he didn’t get to know you.

I imagine that you are a bit like your sister. Smart and funny and just a bit sassy. I imagine that you have hair similar to her but darker. And a glint in your eyes that always makes us think you are up to something.

I imagine you growing up and getting ready for your first of preschool. With a bag almost as big as you are. A big grin on your face as you get to go to school like your sister.

Then before we know it you would be off to school. With your uniform on and your sister by your side.

I think you and your sister would have been inseparable. And always getting into mischief together. And oh the messes you would have made! Together you would have made me groan and grin at the same time.

I imagine you growing older and asking me questions, learning, challenging what you knew and what I know.

I imagine holding you as a baby and feeding you. Holding you to my breast as you drank and knowing that I was yours and you are mine.

I imagine your first laugh, first steps and first meal. I imagine all the firsts and I cry for never having them.

I’m so sorry we didn’t get to have these with you.

Oh Yvonne, you are so loved and were so loved from the moment we knew you were here. Your Grandma, Nanna, Poppy, your Aunts and Uncles and Cousins… all wanted to meet you. To hold you and kiss you.

I know you had to go. I’m sorry that you had to fight so hard inside me. I’m sorry that you had an Omphalocele and that this was so hard for you. I’m sorry if you had any pain. I’m sorry that I couldn’t make it better for you.

I feel guilty my Darling. Like I failed you somehow. I know you don’t think that. I tried my best for you. I fought so hard for you.

But you were tired my Love. I know. You needed to let go.

I love you. Your Daddy loves you. Your sister loves you.

I’m waiting for the day we meet again my sweet Yvonne Grace.

I love you.

Mummy.

If you have ever lost a baby, through stillbirth, miscarriage or in any other way, then please know that you are not alone. Please know that there are support services out there.

These are some of the services available in Australia.

Bears of Hope

SANDS

This Post Has 9 Comments

  1. Savanna

    She won’t be forgotten Beck xxx

    1. becknoble@internode.on.net

      Thank you. No she won’t. Although our memories of her are brief we hold them oh so tightly.

  2. Kris

    Oh beck. You are Ana amazing strong woman. My prayers are with you 😘

    1. becknoble@internode.on.net

      Thank you. It’s an horrific time and the pain is great. Prayers are always appreciated.

  3. Helen

    Beautiful Bec, there are no words, you have said them all perfectly as we hear your heart.

    1. becknoble@internode.on.net

      Thank you so much.

  4. Alan

    We have finally just been able to read this Rebekah and our hearts too are breaking with love for all of you.
    You have been through so much over all the years and yet despite all this you have shown how resilient and strong you are. You are truly a daughter of The King and a wonderful woman of God.
    We love you and are proud to call you our daughter.

  5. Wayne Noble

    Beck and Steve, I feel for you so much. Reading your story for Yvonne brought tears to my eyes and love to my heart. Every word you said made me think about love for our children. Even more in your case, i could feel your emotion and love and yes pain as well. But this pain will will disappear in time as the memories of your daughter grow stronger. Yvonne Grace is now being nursed by her great grandmother Yvonne and her Auntie Naomi just to name a couple. I am so proud of you Beck, you truly are a wonderful mum.

    1. becknoble@internode.on.net

      Thank you so much Wayne. I am sure Nanna is loving on her Great Grandchild so much.

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